Brian Kennedy - Get on with your short life! (Columbia)

Finally the unthinkable has happened. Obviously sick of all that shitty, balladry crap he's previously forced upon us, Brian Kennedy has made a complete turnaround and released what is probably one of the heaviest, fastest, sickest albums of all time. Prepare to mosh your tits off to this extreme metal-fest of songs, including 'You take my breath away', 'Everytime' and, uh, 'If you love me'.

Okay, sorry I lied. I apologise to anyone who thought that they'd be able to do an Andrew WK and party hard to this album. Instead, we have here another album of second-rate, granny-pleasing bile. Brian Kennedy is never, ever going to appeal to anybody who is younger than Pat Kenny.

The one thing that really pisses me off about Mr Kennedy is his voice, which, I find, is the aural equivalent of a gremlin drilling a hole in through the side of your head and then proceeding to build a little house of broken glass in your brain. If I ever have the (dis)pleasure of meeting him, I will do the world a favour by pulling his tongue out and nailing it to the wall.

Ken McGrath